This is a compilation of the video I took on my second to last night there. This was a powerful night, great to see all the kids with such faith and joy in song. The first song is for a little girl Charity who was adopted and is now home and doing well. Second is Christiana singing "Jesus loves the little children", definitely a heartbreaker for me. So frequently I questioned what I was seeing and understanding in her needs - she had these beautiful moments of human-ness and really was just a little girl at times. Last couple are the kids performing..

Taking a deep breath of gratitude

It has been just over 2 months since my return from Ghana. It's definitely been a challenging journey to date, but I do feel I've crested the pinnacle of my grief. Grief is complex and definitely not linear, particularly when infused with doubt, guilt, shame, anger and all those other complicated emotions. I've learned a lot about what I do to myself when I'm down, when I've made a tough choice that challenges my understanding of who I am at my very core. Intellectually I believe we made the right decision as a family, but I also made a decision to turn my back on a needy child which is a tough nugget to swallow putting it mildly. I am now at peace with our choice to move forward without bringing Christiana to the states, I believe with every fiber of my being that she is better off where she is.

An ironic turn of events, all adoptions are shutting down in Ghana. Even if we had chosen to continue to pursue to bring her home, the Ghanaian government would not allow her to be adopted by our family in the US. We would still be without her, with no prospects of getting her home. The other mother who was over there with me two months ago, who sat in the very same lawyers office and said "yes" to her daughter coming home, is now fighting to get Ghana to approve her adoption without much hope. The US has approved the adoption and now it's in Ghana's hands, and they want nothing to do with it.

There are layers and layers to this process which would require a novel to disclose. The biggest obstacle is that many of these kids who really are orphans do not have birth certificates. They are born into poverty in shanty "villages" that are nothing more than leftover metals parceled together to create make-shift shelters at best, thousands of people living with no infrastructure. T o know your birth date is a luxury. Many do not have plumbing, potable water and toilets are simply the trench full of garbage out back. This is where Chritiana was born. It took her current guardians several weeks to track down where she originally came from and a birth certificate was created based on stories told by others in the village. As part of the unintended deception, we were told a birth date to fit our desired criteria for a child under 3 but there is no real way to know her age. There was no question she was an orphan, nor is there question that the dozens of other kids in the home are without families as well, but the creation of birth certificates is a dubious process. Ghana calls these birth certificates forgeries and so these kids are stuck. I agree with this decision - no one should be in the business of forging birth certificates to push through an adoption, but it really leaves these kids with no options or future with families. I don't see anything they can do - they need to have checks and balances against forgery and there is definitely financial motivation around the international adoption process in Ghana, as it is in many countries. To me there is a silent but global cry to help these children through a different path, to help the development of health services, education, support that is direct and meaningful. Question is, what does that look like?

I think for the kids it would be helpful to shift their expectations and hopes into getting supported in different ways. In many ways these were some of the most joyful, faith filled children I've ever seen. The only scarcity they seemed connected to was their lack of parents, and this was somewhat fueled by the guardians (praying for a Mommy and Daddy while being thankful for all other things.) Don't get me wrong, I recognize an intrinsic human desire to be parented and held in the world, to be part of a family. I'm just saying that without that possibility, shifting to a sense of abundance could be incredibly powerful for these kids that already seem to have that capacity for thinking abundantly within their reach. They are truly children of God, believe that they are in God's hands at every turn.

There is a wonderful program in Nepal, called Rising Lotus Children's Foundation, which raises funds for orphaned children. The funds go to provide shelter, education, and a community family within the house of orphans and a set of foster parents. The kids then are educated to become active citizens and agents for change within Nepal. They are a hopeful lot and it seems to me the best future scenario for the orphaned kids in Ghana. The adoption agency I worked with is run by a single woman but I do think that over time she might be amenable to this kind of path with the kids. It is something I'm exploring.

Below are random pics from my trip, wanted to post for digestive purposes. To share some of the sites and names and experiences that I feel forever changed by. Please feel free to ask questions, make comments, or whatever. It is good to share...

Home from Ghana

I have returned early from a very emotional and eye opening journey to Ghana. I was able to hand deliver the donated clothing to the children in both homes, and participate in what I hope will be some very positive changes for the children in the long run. The children were moved on Friday to a new home with a director who appears to have more integrity, less motivated by the money, and will hopefully not raise a hand against these kids.

Unfortunately, we did discover that the little girl who was to become part of our family has some very special needs that were not previously disclosed, and they are beyond our capability as a family. We think, and our adoption coordinator agrees, that there are long term concerns for the overall safety, health, and happiness of our child at home - and for Christi's success in our family. In hindsight, our coordinator would not have recommended Christi to our family and would have placed her in an only child family who is prepared to work with a child with significant developmentally motivated behavioral challenges. Her original placement of her with us was based on limited information provided by the abroad directors of the orphanage, and only a short time spent with her in the home. Both our adoption coordinator and I felt incredibly deceived, and cried a lot of tears for the loss for everyone, especially Christi. Our coordinator assured me that our expectations are not unreasonable, and supported me through the guilt and shame I had in turning my back on a needy child. In the now 30 placements she's made, she had not seen anything like it.

At the center of this decision was Christi and Jaden, and the values for our family. Christi's story began to unravel as we spent more time there, with the people who found her and brought her to the orphanage. She is doing okay at the home she lives in now, and I do believe in my heart that she is better off there than she would be in our home. Jaden is trying to sort through his emotions and is also grief stricken, this is a mark that will stay with him his entire life.

A large part of this process from the in-country perspective seems less about uniting children with appropriate families, and more about the money generated around international adoption. So, we are experiencing a tremendous loss in our home right now and taking some quiet time to grieve - a mixture of extreme sadness for losing the daughter we had come to know, and letting go of the anger for the overt deception. We do know that we are going to try and provide for Christi in some way, until she is able to find her forever family. We do not yet know what, if anything, is to come next.

Thank you all for being such a supportive part of this journey with me and my family, we know we are not alone in our sadness and understand this is undeniably a part of this very rich journey in life. In the midst of this loss, we feel more grateful than ever for the abundant gifts we have. A saving grace is not having to interrupt the adoption process down the road.

speechless

I am here... safe. I am trying to come home tomorrow instead of waiting until Sunday, so much more to share at a different time. I do not have the heart for it right now. I can still feel Christi's hair on my lips, the weight of her body in my arms, the smell of her neck... I will miss her in ways that words cannot express. I cannot wait to be reunited with my family at home, to feel their loving embrace and express the tremendous, inexpressible gratitude for them in my life. We are so lucky, these kids have nothing and yet are more joyful and hopeful than many children I know back in America. All of them just want to be part of a family, to have parents who love them and will hug them. I don't think I can look at my petty concerns in life the same ever again. This program is changing dramatically in the course of this week, the profoundly loving people in charge - Enoch, Rhoda, their entire family are the most loving, selfless individuals I've ever come to know. I am heartened that we are helping them to create a stable home for the kids here. More when I have the heart... I will be home soon.

Roller coaster

So, just two days before going to Ghana we learned that they questioned the authenticity of our Power of Attorneys (they thought they were copies because the notary seal is not raised,) so they again decided not to go to court. We do not know why they do not look through the entire file to find out if our files are complete, or if they have any questions. It seems like each week there is something new. They were finally convinced that they indeed have the originals, but it doesn't matter. Court has been adjourned until August 11th, the day after we leave Ghana for the US. Sigh... We are still going to attempt to file the I-600 since they've received clearance from US, and we are just waiting on the decree from Ghana courts. 8-9 weeks delayed now. Another challenge was that Social Welfare decided to object on other files in court, after assuring our agency there were no problems. This objection is simply a means to get more grease for the wheels of process there.

I want to share more about this, but I'm also headed out for my beloved Yoga for Moms class, and then on to meet with dear old friends to enjoy some good music. I want to say that I understand that we are SO freakin' lucky here in the US, that there are checks and balances and legal procedures that generally prevent extortion and pay-offs from happening.. generally. I get that with centuries of exploitation from oustiders, countries and cultures adopt a way of being that allows them to get ahead. That said, I'm also angered by the fact that this unchecked process really is preventing families from uniting sooner. That is the ultimate goal, no?

GREAT weekend

Headed out at 3:30 a.m. on Saturday August 1st. Meeting a woman at the airport who has my tickets. Extra bag full of kids clothes from the Yoga Mommas is nearly full. Scanning, copying printing all vital documents. No phone. No computer. One small camera.

I had a wonderful, wonderful weekend. So much fun, danced and laughed my ass off. We are having a great time this summer, in spite of the crazy roller coaster ride, and perhaps because of our intentions below being kept in focus. Try it, we are not vitally stressed, we're awesome. Life is so much better this way. Do not project your terror onto our journey, it will only bounce. Let it fall to the earth in a pulpy mess and open your eyes.

Be humble
Be open
Let go
Make lemonade
be fearless
believe you can
be kind and free of judgment
choose love
be grateful
HAVE FUN
eat ice cream
and shake it. Seriously, shake it.

Lutefisk

Ghana continues to be crazy, HUGE things changing dramatically in one day. Two days ago I got news that made me want to shut my doors, curl up and take a nap for a very long time. I did not feel certain our daughter was coming home. Today is much more hopeful, as best it can be in the midst of continual change.

Before going into the crazies, I want to celebrate what a beautiful day it is today. Currently 75 and climbing, Jaden is off playing with a friend down at the low tides at Discovery park. I had a lovely cup of coffee and pastry at my most favorite cafe on the planet by myself. I only did about 20 minutes of work today. I just took a long shower that did not get interrupted for the first time in... ? I have a sitter scheduled to arrive at 6 tonight and at 6:01 I am headed out the door to meet Chris in downtown Ballard to celebrate us, and dive into the beginnings of Seafood Fest. My dear friend found the love of his life and is so moved that he's giving marriage a second shot. Jaden felt enough courage to get back on his bike this week after a 6 week hiatus post-accident and now we can't get him off of it. Awesome, awesome, he is an inspiration to me. I recently purchased a new kayak (beautiful bubblegum pink!) that I can carry and supports my body much better than my old one. I freakin' love it and have been out every weekend since getting it. This will continue... It is a good day and I do not forget that in this quest to bring our second child home. It is not all doom and gloom, I've been good about celebrating what is special and wonderful right now. (Again, thank you yoga.)

I go to Ghana in one week. What will happen there? Who knows. It is crazy, crazy. The things I know we have to/want to do in 5 short days are as follows:

1. Find a home for 27 kids who previously were in an orphanage.
2. Give said kids a pile of clothes from my beloved Yoga Mommas.
   
3. Get a foster license for the new home, and for the home where my child resides.
4. Make sure that she is going to stay put where she is now, we do not want another move for our child before she comes home. She is resilient and joyful, but we do not want to push our luck!
   
5. Get our adoption decree once and for all (8 weeks delayed now.)
6. Attempt to file the I-600 in country with or without the in-country adoption decree.
   
7. Meet, hug, love and spend time with our new child.
   
8. Make sure whatever was in her ear has been removed. (She decided that was a good place to store something...)

Can we do it? You bet your ass we can. (Have you met me???) The super news we got today was that a family who was just one step further in the process than we are just got notice from the consolate that they can bring their daughter home. It is exciting - we needed this actual event as evidence to back up the continual claims that there would be nothing to stop the process. With everything that has happened as of late, we were beginning to question.

I haven't covered everything that has happened in the blog. I am concerned about doing so as the dark side has reared its ugly head and has not been completely vanquished. Seriously, that is all I can comfortably share at this point. The light will triumph, I sense good in the force. Christi was brought to the family through this light and I can only rest in faith and let the fear go.

In the great words of Yoda (remember, we're a Star Wars family now:)

Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.

I will not be afraid, I will not be afraid... I will instead eat Salmon on a stick and watch a Lutefisk eating contest.