Home from Ghana

I have returned early from a very emotional and eye opening journey to Ghana. I was able to hand deliver the donated clothing to the children in both homes, and participate in what I hope will be some very positive changes for the children in the long run. The children were moved on Friday to a new home with a director who appears to have more integrity, less motivated by the money, and will hopefully not raise a hand against these kids.

Unfortunately, we did discover that the little girl who was to become part of our family has some very special needs that were not previously disclosed, and they are beyond our capability as a family. We think, and our adoption coordinator agrees, that there are long term concerns for the overall safety, health, and happiness of our child at home - and for Christi's success in our family. In hindsight, our coordinator would not have recommended Christi to our family and would have placed her in an only child family who is prepared to work with a child with significant developmentally motivated behavioral challenges. Her original placement of her with us was based on limited information provided by the abroad directors of the orphanage, and only a short time spent with her in the home. Both our adoption coordinator and I felt incredibly deceived, and cried a lot of tears for the loss for everyone, especially Christi. Our coordinator assured me that our expectations are not unreasonable, and supported me through the guilt and shame I had in turning my back on a needy child. In the now 30 placements she's made, she had not seen anything like it.

At the center of this decision was Christi and Jaden, and the values for our family. Christi's story began to unravel as we spent more time there, with the people who found her and brought her to the orphanage. She is doing okay at the home she lives in now, and I do believe in my heart that she is better off there than she would be in our home. Jaden is trying to sort through his emotions and is also grief stricken, this is a mark that will stay with him his entire life.

A large part of this process from the in-country perspective seems less about uniting children with appropriate families, and more about the money generated around international adoption. So, we are experiencing a tremendous loss in our home right now and taking some quiet time to grieve - a mixture of extreme sadness for losing the daughter we had come to know, and letting go of the anger for the overt deception. We do know that we are going to try and provide for Christi in some way, until she is able to find her forever family. We do not yet know what, if anything, is to come next.

Thank you all for being such a supportive part of this journey with me and my family, we know we are not alone in our sadness and understand this is undeniably a part of this very rich journey in life. In the midst of this loss, we feel more grateful than ever for the abundant gifts we have. A saving grace is not having to interrupt the adoption process down the road.

speechless

I am here... safe. I am trying to come home tomorrow instead of waiting until Sunday, so much more to share at a different time. I do not have the heart for it right now. I can still feel Christi's hair on my lips, the weight of her body in my arms, the smell of her neck... I will miss her in ways that words cannot express. I cannot wait to be reunited with my family at home, to feel their loving embrace and express the tremendous, inexpressible gratitude for them in my life. We are so lucky, these kids have nothing and yet are more joyful and hopeful than many children I know back in America. All of them just want to be part of a family, to have parents who love them and will hug them. I don't think I can look at my petty concerns in life the same ever again. This program is changing dramatically in the course of this week, the profoundly loving people in charge - Enoch, Rhoda, their entire family are the most loving, selfless individuals I've ever come to know. I am heartened that we are helping them to create a stable home for the kids here. More when I have the heart... I will be home soon.